The trouble with English Muffins

Yum!Think about something you love.

Got it in your mind? No? Well, get it in your mind.

Got it in your mind? Good.

Now split it in half and spread some jam on each piece. Oooh, yeah. Much better.

In your mind’s eye, you split these items perfectly in half, but that’s not always the case in life. Take, for example, the English Muffin. Forged in the bakeries of Great Britain, the English Muffin possesses the power of “nooks” (not the e-reader) and “crannies” (old cranberries). They harvest your jams for excellent and excessive taste experiences.

The trouble with English Muffins (Hey! That’s the name of the blog post. Weird!), however, is the impersonal way in which they are split. No one, least of all the Brits, has invented a Mind’s Eye splitter machine quite yet, so man must rely on the clumsy cuts of the current industry.

When e’er you find yourself splitting that muffin with a fork or hand or unnamed utensil, one side is inevitably bigger and fuller than the other. Pop that bad boy in the toaster why dont’cha? Bah! One side is perfectly toasted to perfect perfection whilst the other has crumbly burnt bits and hardly rounds out a breakfast!

Extra spreads don’t help your situation. If anything, they make the crusty, odd piece look more pathetic. Its circumference pales in comparison to its mighty brother. All you taste is preserves. Delicious, but there’s no fiber there. You have a fiber deficiency, so your bowels say.

I call on man to create a new device, a better device for cutting English Muffins. I implore you, Civilization, bring that muffin into the 21st Century, and so endear our breakfast-lusting taste buds to you forever.


About Dan C
Likes: Games of the video kind, Spider-man, regional hot dogs Dislikes: Close talkers, people singing loudly in public while listening to headphones, yippy dogs

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